From Doubt to Discovery
Embracing Spiritual Curiosity
Adapted from a recent Facebook post I shared with my friends:
For most of my life, I've identified as a non-believer, whether atheist, agnostic, or even “spiritual but not religious”. However, I've always been deeply intrigued by religion.
I've had extensive conversations with believers of various faiths, welcomed missionaries onto my porch, and visited mosques, synagogues, and churches of many denominations. It might be surprising to know that I've even considered the priesthood, despite being a non-believer. I mean, what is a non-religious priest anyway? A life-coach? No thank you.
During my college years, I immersed myself in religious studies courses, including World Religions, War & Peace (which delved into just war theory and non-violence), Eastern Religion and more. Throughout these studies, I explored Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Taoism, Buddhism, Shinto, and Christianity.
I’ve visited religious shops (e.g. The Catholic Shop, The Orthodox Shop, Sacred Melody, and Seven Rays) and practiced meditation at a Zen Center in my hometown. I’ve practiced and taught yoga. I've explored a diversity of spiritual experiences, hopefully enriching my understanding of the human condition and my appreciation of the complexities of faith, even while remaining skeptical myself.
For a couple years in the nineties, I was a practicing Christian with a wonderful church called Faith by Love Family Worship Church. While the experience was enriching and the community was beautiful, I moved out of town, lost any faith I had, and never went back to church. As for why, I'll leave that to my therapist to figure out.
In the aftermath of a deeply meaningful relationship ending, I've been reconnecting with parts of myself that I had left behind—revisiting who I am and who I might become. Recently, I received an invitation to attend mass at a local church, and I accepted. The experience served as a poignant reminder of what I've been missing. It brought to mind all the Catholic neighbors and friends I grew up with. It also evoked memories of my Catholic professors and friends from college, along with the inspiration of Catholic authors and Saints that I've received over the years (e.g. St. Francis, St. Thomas Aquinas, John Donne, Tolkien, Flannery O’Connor, Thomas Merton, and Dorothy Day). It stirred recollections of my first marriage and conversations with my first father-in-law, a devout Catholic. These reflections inspired me to reconsider my approach.
One of the obstacles I've faced has been the belief that I must fully subscribe to all tenets of a religion to join. Oddly enough, this never hindered me from joining a political party. Now, I have come to understand that all religions are internally diverse. Religious practitioners hold a variety of beliefs, irrespective of what their religion officially prescribes. If you don’t believe me, go ask 20 Catholics about their views on abortion or ask Pope Francis about blessing homosexuals:
No one is scandalized if I give a blessing to an entrepreneur who perhaps exploits people, which is a very serious sin. Whereas they are scandalized if I give it to a homosexual – this is hypocrisy.
Pope Francis has been particularly influential in prompting me to reassess my perspective. His response to questions regarding homosexuality in the priesthood—"Who am I to judge?"—and his acceptance of his papal election with the acknowledgment, "I am a sinner," have resonated deeply with me. Similarly, his stance on bishops denying communion to pro-choice politicians—"I have never denied Communion to anyone"—has left a profound impression.
Of course, the Church considers homosexuality and abortion sins. I can’t say I agree with that and it is hard for me to reconcile but I do recognize that we are all imperfect and that I am a sinner. I wholeheartedly agree with St. Paul when he says, “if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.” Instead of fixating on the sins of others, I will focus on love.
As you can probably tell, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. I've realized that I crave a sense of community, shared values, and more chances to make a difference in the world. I'm determined to shift my focus away from myself and towards others. Over the past few months, I've taken a significant step forward by contemplating joining the Church and meeting regularly with a Deacon from the local church. His support has been incredibly reassuring, particularly during this challenging period in my life.
Why am I sharing this with you? I want you to understand that who you are today may not be who you are tomorrow. It's okay to revise your beliefs based on new information. It's okay to make changes in your life if you feel it's necessary. You are not finished and neither am I. We're all works in progress. I'm also hopeful that you, dear reader, will offer the same level of encouragement and care that my friends and family have generously shown me over the past year, despite any differences in the paths we’re on.
